Well, I'll warn you ... if you are reading this, this is going to be a different post for me. It's late and I can't sleep and thought perhaps if I "journal" some of what is going on in my mind, maybe I'll find the peace that I'm longing for. It's worth a try, right?
It was Tuesday morning of this week. It was a bitter cold day outside and it was snowing, a wet, dreary snow (snow, to me, is dreary in general ... I much prefer warm sunshine). I was driving to Narvon for a Pretty Unique show that I was doing. I was driving along not paying much attention to anything, just glancing at the directions I had in my hand, looking for the road that I needed to turn at when I saw it. A familiar white church ... and a small tombstone -- mainly because I knew exactly where to look -- because it wasn't overly visible from the road. And, a wave of emotions hit me in a very unexpected way! I wasn't prepared for it at all, which may be why it's been on my mind the remainder of this week.
It's left me longing to remember every little detail of his face, his tiny little body that I was able to hold for way too short of a time ... wondering what he would look like today -- at 15 years of age! Wondering if he'd be tall and blond like his Daddy, with eyes bluer than the sea like 3 of his brothers, or would he carry my dark features? Perhaps he'd be into sports and be able to teach his brother Isaac all of his "tricks," or maybe he'd, too, have a passion for learning, science and math like his brother Jackson. Maybe he'd be strong-willed and a "clown" like his brother Tyler. Or, would he be very easy going and content like his brother Parker? Oh, I just wonder what traits he would have that would make him "him!" One thing I know for sure ... he would have been loved and treasured and did I mention loved!
Tonight I feel sad that I never had the chance to learn what his favorite food would be, know what bedtime story would be his favorite, see how he'd write his name, hear him read a book, tickle his back, snuggle with him when he'd feel sick, feel my heart flutter at the sight of his smile. It makes me sad that I never got to be his mother.
It's crazy how a simple drive to a Pretty Unique party sparked a whole slew of emotions ... emotions that I haven't felt so strongly in a long time. Emotions that I rarely ever talk about to anyone ... but emotions that are real, too real.
I think of all of the joy that Jackson, Isaac, Tyler and Parker bring to my life. And, I feel blessed. I truly do. I feel grateful and happy and full; yet at times, times like this week, I can't help but think of how my life would be further enriched if he -- Kevin Matthew -- were here with us, living each day with us. Hmmm ...
Ahhh ... it was therapy for me to be able to get this off my chest. Perhaps I'll be able to get some sleep now...just as soon as I go kiss each of my sleeping munchkins.
I'll try to make my next post more of what you've come to expect. I do thank you for allowing me to share my heart tonight.
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3 comments:
Oh, Nicole...thank YOU for sharing your heart! Being able to share something like this is what makes you stronger and more authentic. :)
Hey Nicole. Wow, I can only imagine the heaviness of your heart when you have days like this. My heart aches for you. I feel a strong sense though that Kevin Matthew is in your life every day. I truly believe in angels, and I believe from the bottom of my soul that Kevin's spirit surrounds you and your home. I believe he watches you and Kevin and the boys with a smile and says, "That's my Mom and Dad! Aren't they great?!" Through the heartache you have endured, I can only imagine that little Kevin has touched your life in so many ways. Your optimistic outlook on life, your loving and caring nature with each other and with your children, your steadfastness and sweetness to your friends and those that surround you .... all of the qualities I see in you as a person are so very special and I wonder if Kevin Matthew helped to grow three-fold those special traits in you. God had such big plans for such a little guy, and I know Kevin Matthew smiles each day with you and says for all the angels in heaven to hear -- "My Mom ROCKS!"
Love ya,
Susan
Thank you so much for sharing this Nicole! It sounds like you had tremendous loss but are dealing with it in a very healthy way. I'm so sorry you had to go through that - I'm sure the pain never really goes away, but I'm glad to hear that you've had some healing.
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